| God damn it |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|09:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
My mom left my dad a long time ago for the first time, and she's gone back to him a few times since then. Only for a few months at a time until she remembers why she dumped him in the first place. Now he's talking about looking for work around here and asked my mom if he and my brother could stay with us. My mom knows how I feel about my father and she told me about it and I told her that I'd leave if he came to stay with us.
The thing is I know my dad isn't looking for work. He's probably getting thrown out by his girlfriend down in Merced and he needs a place to stay. Fuck him. He's just going to take advantage of my mom and cheat on her again. My mom has been doing so well and I don't know why she's even thinking about letting him move in again. I'll never understand that.
I know I should be looking for my own place anyway but I can't afford it right now with school and everything. Maybe I should just join the fucking Navy or something just to get out of here.
I'm going to get wasted today. I can't handle this shit. |
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| Sunday morning masks |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|07:24 am] |
There's a guy at church who I'm pretty sure likes me. He's a nice guy and his family seems pretty nice and normal too. I play the role of the nice Catholic girl. I might wear a ring or two, but I look pretty normal when I go to church with mi familia on Sundays.
So last Sunday after church he asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. I said sure since its hard to say no but all he knows about me is what he sees on Sunday mornings. He doesn't know about this blog, he doesn't know about my attraction to women and to vampires and he doesn't know that I consider myself a Wiccan.
I don't know. I kind of like the idea that he's attracted to this idealized me. It's like I exist in a certain perfect way out there in the world. There is a me out there who isn't so fucked up emotionally that she still has a chance at redemption. I feel like as long as he believes in me in a certain way, that version of me exists.
But then again all I know about him is what I see on Sunday morning. He could be crazier than I am. His family seems normal but who knows what happens in those kind of families. Maybe they just hide it better.
So I don't know what to do with him. I don't know if I should send him links to this blog and my poetry pages and let him get to know me. Maybe he'll send me links that will surprise me. But I like this guy and like talking to him but I can't trust him with my heart because I don't trust anyone else with it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|12:02 pm] |
My mom and sister are in California for the next week. I'm going to call in sick to work.
Time to be bad. |
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| Deep scars |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|08:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | angry | ] |
I talked to a close friend on the Path last night. She has been a great source for my explorations of Wicca and she could sense that something was off balance in my life. I told her about whats going on. Then as we talked it's like she had the key that opened up the dark corners of my brain. It's about power.
I usually meet up with her on Sundays after church (yeah I know a Wiccan who goes to church...). We didn't meet last weekend but we did yesterday. She noticed that my energy was off, so instead of our usual chat she asked if I needed to do something to put me back in balance and i said yes. We set up a safe space and we sat there and must have talked for hours. I could feel the protection around us, sort of a sphere that kept all of the negative stuff out.
I'm going to write stuff here that I've been trying to hide, but as Camille pointed out hiding it is what is giving it's power over me.
From the time I was nine until I was twelve, I was molested and raped by my uncle. When I finally told my mom and dad my dad called me a whore which is why I don't talk to him anymore. Mom moved us here to Seattle to get away from him. My dad still lives in Modesto. My brother lived with us until a couple months ago and now he's with my dad. My little sister Katie I think was too young to have anything happen to her and I'm glad my brother is gone.
So thats what has power over me.
Camille said I've been reclaiming power for myself. I was always interested in girls, but being with a girl does not have the power issues that being with a guy has for me. When I'm with a guy, I can't be submissive I have to take charge. I have to decide when we fuck or how we do it.
That's the whole goddess thing, really. We have so much power over men and some of them hate it so much that they try to show their power by raping us. But that's just power over my body, not me. Only when I allow it to affect me does it have power. But it's tough to get over being raped by your uncle. My whole thing with vampires is about power, too. It's about wanting to kill those who hurt me and to feed from their life energy while doing it.
I am a vampire, but I feed off of sexual energy instead of blood. Camille says I have to be careful because anytime you take power from someone you harm yourself.
I am a vampire. I was made one by my uncle, who used my innocence to feed his dark soul.
This is my body. I will not be ashamed of it. I will not be ashamed of using it to gain power over men.
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| In the rain |
[Jul. 9th, 2005|12:46 am] |
Ever made out in the rain? I did, tonight. It was amazing. I thought it would be cold but it wasn't. Molly rocks my world.
I met her at CPK at Northgate. We had something to eat (Thai Chicken Pizza is the best!) and then we went over to her place. She lives up in Maple Leaf, rents a basement apartment. The upstairs people were out. We started kissing before we got around the back where her door is, and we just stayed outside. I could taste the rain on her lips. They have one of those swings so we did it on that. It was fucking amazing.
She's so fearless. |
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| Second date... |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|12:38 pm] |
So I'm going out again with the girl I hooked up with last week.
She's so fcking hot.
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| The light of my world |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|09:14 am] |
Happy birthday, sis! No matter how stupid I get sometimes I love you so much and I always will. I will always be there for you.
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| Should have seen it coming |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|02:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
Pretty obvious that Cyn and I broke up I guess. I'm not sure what happened but I probably got too clingy like I tend to do. I'm attracted to her the way a moth goes to light and I couldn't stand to be apart from her. So she said, I don't want to see you excusivly and then I crashed and burned. I'm so fucking stupid sometimes. I spent the weekend wasted on one thing or another and here I am all used up and tossed aside like some cum rag.
Fuck I hate my life sometimes. |
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